Forgiveness

My second rule in life.

I believe that after gratitude, forgiveness is the next most important thing in life. That is, if we are striving to live a balanced, blessed and peaceful existence here on earth.

However, before you continue reading, here is a little forewarning. I have chosen to be my real, brutally honest and raw self when I write. Some might find the details a tad too intense as in this post I will discuss my personal experience of sexual abuse. My intention is pure in nature as all I want to achieve is being an inspiration to any and everybody who may need it.

What does forgiveness mean to me?

I think forgiveness is different for everybody. Just as love is. Or hate. Depending on our upbringing, the people who played important roles in our lives, our situations, religions, educations, circumstances, experiences etc; we each have an unique definition or meaning attached to every single word. For example, my number one thing toward my family is unconditional love, so this resembles them doing anything and being forgiven totally for it merely because they are family… no judgements passed! However, for my husband, his number one thing in life is respect so there needs to be a level of respect adhered too first and foremost; even when it comes to him granting forgiveness. Hence, our definitions (or meanings attached to the word ‘forgiveness’) are as uniquely different as we are and as our life paths have been up to now. This simple little thing is applicable to every and anything you can think of when it comes to words and the meanings we each personally associate with them.

I regard forgiveness as release. Peace. Freedom. Letting go. Leaving it behind. Moving on. Basically it is about my health, the quality of my life and my happiness. This life is too precious to me to sit around pondering on who did or said what to me. I am naturally a ‘control freak’ and the one way I look at forgiveness was that I am reclaiming my power and regaining my control. Many people forget their actions, yet we spend hoards of time in our heads re-living the situation over and over and over again; and who is affected? Not them…it’s us. I view it as respecting all that has been thrown at me. Acknowledging it. Accepting it. Having a knowing that unforgiveness in my heart is so unhealthy for me and my beloved’s. Forgiveness for me is the key that lets me out of their prison. For releasing any hold I allowed them to have over me.

My version of forgiveness is not avoidance. I do not believe that we should pretend the act did not happen. I also don’t think we should forget it ever did…AND, I certainly am not an advocate for not speaking about it. Many heal by the simple act of speaking and being heard. After all, we all just want the same thing. To be seen. To be seen and validated.

I was raped as a preteen – by a boy I knew at least 6 plus years my senior – whilst another adult male sat next to us watching. To this very day, I believe I was saved by the sound of my mother’s beetle driving down the road (which all of the kids in the neighbourhood recognised well) earlier than what was expected, because he scrambled off me quickly and they both urged me to run home before she knew I was gone out of the house. I ran home as fast as I could – considering the amount of pain I was in – and I never told my mother.

You see, there was no blood. And, as far as I knew, virgin’s bled the first time they had sex, so I was terribly confused. The questions bombarded me. Was it sex? Or was it rape? Am I a virgin? Where was the blood? It was sore….I was struggling to run because of the pain…but, where was the blood? Was this what they warned us about in school? NO! IT COULDN’T HAVE BEEN RAPE..after all, I had just laid there and I didn’t fight him off. I froze…time stood still…then it sped up…then it froze…I was not in my body…I could not feel…I allowed. Didn’t I? And so ensued a one and a half decade of total self-guilt, self-whipping, self-questioning, self-blame, self-disgust, self-loathing..until I landed up in therapy, had a complete nervous breakdown and was forced to deal with it and heal myself. I needed to face my own demons and forgive them. This did not mean condoning what happened but it also meant not condemning it. I had put myself through enough torture for the longest time. They didn’t do that, I did. Their actions toward me had ended that same night, yet I had held on for what seemed like an eternity.

I had always seen the woman on the television fighting off their assailant and so I believed I had given my rapist permission (silently) by freezing. There was no screaming, slapping, punching, kicking, gouging out of eyes, scratching skin off and so I had convinced myself that I had given him approval. None of what you see in the movies, or the television series program of what the CSI evidence comes up with. There was just a little girl laying on a couch and time was moving incredibly sloooooowly. To this day, I cannot tell you how long it lasted, but I can tell you that it felt like hours. Hours of my brain feeling numb, hours of deathly quiet inside my mind. Hours of pain. Of time almost standing still….well, more like slow motion time. I think I may have experienced an ‘out-of-body’ thing now when I look back at it. I had to move past blaming myself for what happened. Forgive myself for thinking that I had condoned this sexual abuse. Free myself from my own worst thoughts and from believing that I had deserved this somehow.

I was also never able to tell my dad what happened. He was the parent I related to. The one I loved and idolised beyond forever. The one I confided in. Told everything too (almost everything I guess). Trusted. Adored. Bonded with for eternity. Looked too for comfort and the one who supported me regardless. But…my daddy…my saviour….my all, had passed comments when I was young that never fell on deaf ears (unfortunately). Things like “oh, that woman must never complain when she gets raped whilst wearing that mini dress. I mean if you’re wearing something like that, then you’re asking for it as far as I’m concerned!”. And so, I never had the courage to look for support and comfort from the most important person in my life. I was absolutely terrified that he would blame me. I mean, what if he asked me what I did to deserve it!? How was I going to respond? This was just another demon that fed into my low self-esteem mode of blaming myself for 15 years. I had to forgive my dad for not knowing better at the time. You see, I am now aware that each and every one of us does the best we are capable of doing at any particular point in time and under any particular circumstance. He was raised in a time where that was the mindset. It was just that simple! My dad died never knowing that his little girl was raped. I find that extremely sad. My heart breaks at the thought of my children not being able to see me as their safe place and I forgive myself now for not seeing that my daddy was mine.

Another dilemma I faced was how I had been raised religiously. Somehow, in my naive and young mind, I had convinced myself that I had granted my perpetrator permission. That meant it had been consensual sex. According to my faith, sex outside of marriage was a sin. So folks, there you have it, I was evil. A sinner. And that was truly how I felt at that time in my life. Please hear my heart here, I was a little girl. My thinking pattern made zero sense. I am aware of this now. So, I hid my shame from everyone. Even myself to some degree. Never uttering it to another soul – living or dead. I made my journey lonely and my healing long because I held on and didn’t let go. No-one else did that. It was me…and only me.

Then, BOOOOOM! One day, during my therapy, the memories of being molested by my mother’s second husband as a teeny little girl came gushing into my consciousness. I can’t even find the words to describe the utter shock I grappled with and the total reeling…spinning…that these images sent my mind into. I was sexually abused twice in this life. Not once. Twice. On the one hand, there was a form of relief. I was not bad. Not evil. I didn’t sin! I had been sexually abused. On the other hand, was plain shock.

My mother had trusted this man. He was my step-father after all. So, when I finally built up the courage to ask her about it, she completely denied that anything of this nature could have ever happened under her watchful motherly eye. She defended herself and her ex-husband and refused to acknowledge that the’ love of her life’ could ever have been such a monster. My problem was this…he was dead by now and I did not have the opportunity to confront him. To question him. This (again) threw me into that self-whipping mode where I questioned the stability and sanity of my own mind. Was I making all of this up? Could it be that I just looking for attention like my mother was accusing me of doing? Was I a ‘drama queen’? However, my wonderful therapist at the time, urged me to continue asking her – over and over again – and finally she did eventually admit to knowing that I had been molested. BUT, she told me, “it must have been by someone else”. Nearly two decades later – and after she passed away – I was told that she was totally aware of him molesting me and that was why she left and divorced him. Here I was….stunned…and after more or less 35 years, I had my confirmation. I was sane and ‘normal’! I needed to forgive my mom now. She too only did the best she could at the time and tried to protect me from the horror that had befallen me.

I was molested and raped, but I did not want to remain a victim. My only choice was to LIVE! To live the best life I could and holding onto any resentment or unforgiveness was not going to allow me to step out into the light and shine!

I learnt two wonderful lessons from my sexual abuse. The first was, always Always ALWAYS trust myself no matter who or what! The second was forgiveness.

You see, I had to forgive a dead man for violating the little girl in me, my biological father for not being around to help me because I had lost him in my mother’s first divorce. I also had to forgive my rapist for not knowing better at the time and an adult man, that I never knew, for just watching and not helping. I had to forgive my mom for trying to protect me in the best way she knew possible at the time…which was completely wiping her memory clean of it. She grew up in an era where these things either never happened or where never discussed if they did. I had to forgive my dad for having such harsh judgements against women. And most importantly, I had to forgive myself for all of the ‘bad I am’ I had conjured up in my mind. I had to acknowledge that I was raped. I had to accept it. Speak about it. Use it to help others that had and are still suffering from the same inexcusable behaviour. I had to walk through all the nonsense in my mind about sex, molestation, rape to come out the other side being one phenomenal woman.

The key was forgiveness.

Forgiveness set me free.

I now believe that life does not happen TO us, but that it happens FOR us! It is all about choice. I could have chosen a different path. Decided to stay a ‘victim’. I could have just camped out with my emotions for the rest of my life and let them destroy all and any chance of happy and healthy relationships for the balance of my life time. But I didn’t. I chose to forgive.

I would not be the strong human I am today if I did not go through what I did. I would not be able to help others if I had not lived that. It is not all about what life throws at us. It’s all about how we react to what life throws at us. Everyone has a story to tell. My molester and rapist had their own demons to slay. Their own ugly to face. Their own path to walk. My forgiveness had nothing to do with my sexual abusers. None of this was about them and their actions. I just wanted to end the cycle. My choice and decision was to find compassion for them and forgive them. I chose to learn kindness.

I learnt that I was releasing myself from the great teacher we call forgiveness! There was no condoning – or condemning – them and their actions. I didn’t even need to look them in their eyes when I forgave them. They did not need to be near me in fact. It was all about releasing toxic thoughts and emotions within myself. About setting me free.

How can we forgive?

There is no criteria for forgiveness and, as I explained in the beginning of my post, it is different for everyone. However, I would love to pass on some tips and tools that worked for me. There is no need to actually be in front of the person/people you wish to forgive. Your reasons for this may vary; maybe you do not have the opportunity because they are dead, or maybe you do not cope with confrontation, or perhaps it is not a person you need to forgive but rather a situation, or maybe it is yourself; whatever the reason, you can do this practise alone.

Find or create a safe and quiet place where you will not be disturbed. Grab a pillow and place two chairs facing each other a couple of metres apart. Take a seat in one of the chairs and put the pillow on the other chair opposite you. Sit with your spine straight, your hands placed comfortably on your lap and close your eyes. Just breathe a few deep breaths, gather yourself and make the intention in your heart that you are healing yourself. When you are ready (you can either open your eyes or keep them closed through this process), visualise the person or situation in front of you seated on the opposite chair, then have your say. In any form you want! If you need to scream, swear, shout, cry or punch them (here you use the pillow)…do it! Get it out of your mind and heart in whichever form is authentic to you. Let every feeling and thought spew out of you and throw every physical action at your pillow. Ask your questions; demand your answers and when you feel you are finished, calmly close your eyes again and breathe. Once you have composed yourself, see them in your minds eye standing in front of you in a bubble. Tell them you forgive them, ask them to forgive you if you feel the urge and then notify them that you are letting them go. When you do this, see yourself blowing the bubble away and them floating off into the distance as you turn your back on them and walk away without ever looking back! I am a true believer in everything being energy and in this exercise you are transferring the energy of anger, hatred, resentment to forgiveness and letting it go. Then, open your eyes, take a deep breathe in and as you breathe out, make the intention to let them or it go. Just a easy as it is to breathe out, so is the choice to let go.

Repeat this process as many times as you need too.

I hope you have enjoyed my post and that I may have been of service to you in some way. Should you want you want to keep up to date with our posts, please sign up to our mailing list.

Yours in kindness,

Taz