A stepfamily, blended family, bonus family, or instafamily is a family where at least one parent has children that are not biologically or adoptive related to the other spouse or partner. Either parent, or all, may have children from previous relationships.“
Wikipedia
When I was 29 years old, I married my soulmate. The absolute love of my life and my perfect partner! We were young, in-love and had fantasies of how we were going to do it ‘right’ this time. We both came from previously very damaged and broken marriages. What we didn’t understand at the time, however, was that we chose the motherload of “crosses”. Cross-cultural, cross-ethnic, cross-religion…basically X everything that you can put a label on! A blended family is not for the faint-hearted!
From day one we had challenges. We seriously had to learn the true meaning of the word “compromise” and then learn how to implement it. We did the ‘power struggle’ dance for years.
Statistically speaking, 41% of first marriages end in divorce worldwide. However, that figure increases to a massive 60% for second marriages. The number one reason for divorce worldwide is money – or lack of it more precisely. When we moved in together, I was unemployed, and we had both been retrenched not long before. So, we were technically speaking, very doomed. And we both brought the baggage we had accumulated from our previous marriages.
To top all of that, when my husband married me, I came with depression and a lifetime’s worth of issues. These comprised of adoption, sexual abuse, infidelity, divorce, physical and emotional abuse, alcoholism, addiction, teenage pregnancy and more. He himself had experienced his parents’ rocky marriage and their divorce. But, besides that, he had lived a pretty ‘normal’ and stable life. In fact, after their divorce, his Mum devoted herself to her children and grandchildren. That became her entire purpose, and she was never even with another man again. Needless to say, this poor man was in for the shock of his life when he married this whack-a-doodle crazy woman. Me.
Okay, honestly, he wasn’t a saint either. The point I am making here is, if we both did not learnt to practise compassion, forgiveness, acceptance and learn to understand one another, our love would never had flourished to the beautiful thing it is 19 years later. Something we both learnt was that to judge another means we think we are better than them in some way. We became each other’s safe space where we could learn, grow and just be ourselves.
Between us, we had six children when we got married. I had two and my husband had four. They ranged from 7 to 16 years old. This alone became one of the biggest obstacles we had to face. Jealousy and competition were two ugly monsters I found myself facing with six kids. Also, there were two protective parents suffering from guilt over divorce that needed contending with too. It was a nightmare.
Then there were the different friends, relatives and ex-spouses we had on our plates. Arguments about traditions became a thing for a particular period of time too. So, eventually we just focused one hundred percent of all our resources on our new family. Nothing else mattered. Even our entire social life became centred around entertaining our children. Together, all our effort was poured into the new life we had made. We both knew that giving up meant yet another divorce. We made things a little more complicated four years later by having our own child together. Think of all the above, but now amplified thousands of times over. OI VEY! Now we had an even more blended family!
However, blended families offer an incredible opportunity for self-discovery, growth, and new beginnings!
Both of us have grown substantially as human beings and we are both qualified life coaches now with a passion for helping others. There is a lovely saying:
The final stage of healing is taking what you went through and using it to help others.“
Unknown
And I think that is what our purpose has become now.
As life coaches we will tackle the following with our clients that are experiencing life similar to our story that I described above.
These are 4 example area’s where we can specifically help you and your blended family
FEAR
Operating all round from a place of love, instead of fear.
SECOND MARRIAGE
The importance of love and respect for your spouse.
Recovery from your previous divorce/s.
Making your marriage the priority in your new home.
Navigating the tricky first years with children.
PARENTING AND STEP-PARENTING
Becoming a unified parenting front to children and stepchildren.
Staying connected to your biological children while building new relationships with stepchildren.
Becoming your children / stepchildren’s safe place.
OTHER BLENDED FAMILY ISSUES
Creating a new family culture.
Ex-spouse issues.
Different friendships.
Ongoing support.
We would absolutely love to help guide you and your family along your path of a building a beautiful new family if our story resonates with you! Contact me by hitting the WhatsApp button below, Taz
Yours always in kindness.
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