It’s the month of November and my Mom would have turned a mere 65 years old on the 24th. In the December of 2006, only one month after her 52nd birthday , she passed away at home very suddenly and quite unexpectedly. To say that my entire world was shaken to its core and turned upside down, is a total understatement! I had never lost anyone close before. I knew death and had friends pass away – young friends – but, let me tell you, it is something quite different when death knocks on the door of your own home. As very vivid memory comes to my mind of sitting in a restaurant shortly after she died (my husband’s attempt to make me eat) and looking around at the people and thinking “How are you laughing? Why are you smiling? Don’t you know that my Mom is dead? The entire world should be ending!” I was in shock. In denial. It all felt so unreal.
However, true to my nature of being the eldest, I put on my game face and handled everything. I kept myself busy during that awful time of non-acceptance for my sister’s and myself. Unfortunately, life returns back to itself after a period of time when everyone else carries on and I was left to deal with – and digest – my mother’s passing alone. This is when the process of grief became my teacher. I went through all the emotions of disbelief, anger, sadness, shame, guilt, blame, regret…and on and on and on…until finally my sister told me to go see somebody to get help a year later. Once I put my ego aside (that voice that told me I could do this on my own without help) and finally listened, this turned out to be the best advice I ever received.
My Mother’s death was that major life event that happens to us that makes us do an about-face. I started to question everything, and I mean EVERYTHING in the world. My world was a very staunch black or white kinda one up until that point and this helped me realise that it’s black AND white..not OR. I started living in the grey area of life. By this I mean that I starting being my true and real self. I learnt how to question everything and come up with a truth that resonated within my being. I started leading my life and not just accepting that I had to be led..or told what to do, say or how to be and behave.
This is what death taught me:
- Do not judge. This life is a once off thing and there are zero ‘do-overs’. Dr. Wayne D Dyer says “This life is not a dress rehearsal” and after my Mom passed away I understood that statement fully. We can never go back and undo our actions or words. We only ever have one shot at anything, so I decided that I would spend everyday trying my level best to be and do my best in any situation and with anyone. I am not perfect by any means and there are times I disappoint myself…my intention is to remember and be aware.
- Love unconditionally. Honestly, I do not personally believe that humans comprehend the term ‘unconditional love’, but I am referring to loving without too many expectations. I had a volatile relationship with my Mother – yet when she died I would have given anything to have her back, place her on a pedestal and worship her forever. I had no goodbyes…no last ‘I love yous’…there were no apologies given or accepted…not having a last word ate me up endlessly – to the degree where I vowed to love and accept all those dear and near to me regardless of anything.
- Have no regrets. I hated myself for the last year I had with my mom because there was a lot of family drama and I was really hard on her. I struggled to forgive myself after she died for the way I had treated her. This is the woman who had carried me for 10 months, who had breastfed me, who raised me, loved me, cared for me to the best of her abilities and never ever walked away and I was so harsh. I did not like that feeling…regret sucked and so I made a shift. I made a choice – no more regret. Ever…for anything. ‘It is what it is until it is no more’ hit home for me and I started living my life like that.
I think when we grieve, we grieve for ourselves. I do not accept that our departed loved ones think like humans, feel like humans, behave like humans merely because they are no longer human! With that is the release of any negative thoughts, words, actions etc. that are human behaviours. I cried so terribly for two years purely based on my own thoughts. “She was so young, she died so horribly, she’s going to miss my kids growing up and their weddings and their babies”In essence I was crying for me. For being left alone without my Mommy. My children. For my grandchildren. Not for her. Now with age and wisdom, I do not believe that they would want us to cling onto them. There is no way the mother I knew would want me to be so unhappy. They would want us to LIVE. To have the most blessed life!
Our loved ones would want the best for us and the best life can not be created around mourning forever on a daily basis. We seem to fear forgetting them and so we live in remembrance and are challenged to even laugh after they die. We tell ourselves stories of ‘ag shame man’ and allow those thoughts to create the sad emotions that we live with 24 hours a day. As a parent myself I would never want my kids’ lives to be put on hold when I die, the way I put mine on hold for two years when my mom died, and I speak to them about it regularly (too often they will tell you!). I’ve asked them to dance on my grave and celebrate my life instead of becoming debilitatingly depressed…and yes, they say it’s easier said than done but this is the great lesson I’ve been trying to teach them that I’d love to share with you…
Death is normal, expected and happens to everyone and everything because NOTHING physical lasts forever. It is the only guarantee we have and, for reasons that I personally cannot fathom, society has shutdown so drastically about the dreaded ‘D’ word that when it inevitably does happens, we are caught so off guard that our lives shatter. This is not normal. Our loved ones do not want us to hang onto them and their deaths. There is no chance of us forgetting those close to us and those that we love. In fact, they could live on through us by us making the most of life. Speaking about the dreaded ‘D’ word is not taboo! Encourage the conversation with your partner, children and all loved one’s. Allow them get used to the idea of death so that they may be well prepared when the actual event happens. Tell them that it’ll be normal to be sad, but that they can not yank out their sleeping bags and camp out with sadness forever. Tell them how you’d want the best for them and that’s for them to move on, celebrate your life and live.
Grief is a process and apart of being human. I am by no means saying that we mustn’t feel our pain and mourn. Rather, I am suggesting that we do not slow the process down or block it completely. Embrace it. Feel it. Walk through the pain and then let it go. Hanging on will only hold you – and your wonderful life that it such a gift – back. Release is one of the greatest gifts we have been given. Accept it! When we live in resistance to anything, it becomes more challenging. Acceptance is the key to your freedom, joy and peace.
May we all experience the bliss of a peaceful existence and the joy of letting go of anything that no longer serves us!
Yours in kindness,
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