Childhood Trauma – Tools I use to release mine

Let’s talk about adoption…and all the other kinds of relationships that are not blood-tied.

In this post I have chosen to discuss something that actually happened to me as my example, but healing childhood trauma refers to any number of things that happened in our past that had an impact on us in a major way as a child.

I was adopted by my dad when I was 4-years-old and today I am going to express myself from the point of view of my inner little girl-child, because it is one of the most significant events that occurred in my life which shaped and moulded me into the big I that I am today. Others (like my family) may have processed all these events very differently – and I apologise upfront to any of them if they are offended by my version of events – but I’d like to share my story about all that I felt, went through and struggled with regarding my adoption to be an inspiration to the older, wiser community that has non blood-tied bonds that they are in right now (step-parent / child; in-law parent / sibling / child; foster kids etc.); as I believe it could hugely benefit those who are children now in similar situations by educating and inspiring adults reading this.

When my mom married her 3rd husband, Ralph, he decided to accept me as his own and adopt me. It was a very loving decision he made, and I was a mere teeny thing when my biological father signed the papers that gave me away. Unfortunately, at the time of my adoption I was old enough to remember him and I had already banked a whole bunch of memories of him – whom I happened to adore and idolise as most little girls do during their small ‘in-love’ romance relationships with their daddies. The impact of his decision was phenomenally huge on the small daddy’s little girl that I was and from that age I developed deep seated abandonment, insecurity and trust issues (which later revealed themselves in control struggles and perfectionism as an adult).

A debilitating severe depression started (another long story for another time) which I struggled with right up until my 30’s. I felt unloved, UNLOVABLE, unworthy, never good enough, thrown away like rubbish and – the greatest of all – I felt like I never belonged…anywhere. I kept on asking myself as I aged ‘What is wrong with me?’, ‘Am I that bad’ and ‘What did I do wrong to make him give me up?’. I developed this insatiable desire to have my biggest question of “WHY?” answered by my biological father and the need just grew much more after I had my own children.

Tragically, my mom decided to divorce my dad when I was 9-years-old and a year later my dad got remarried. For me, when I look back now, 5 years was just not enough time to cement a loving relationship for me with my newfound daddy and my sister was also born in those 5 short years together, which was my dad’s 1st biological child. Needless to say, you can just imagine how an 8-year-old wobbled having to share her brand-new daddy with a new baby that was his real child and I was not. It somehow amplified my insecurities.

My dad was the most loving, kind, compassionate human being there was in my life. When he was only 6-years-old he was in a fatal car accident and lost both his mother and eldest sister, who was like a mother to him. Family and love were of the utmost importance to him and he literally put up with anything just to keep his family happy and together. My mother divorcing him broke him for the 2nd time in his life and I would hear him crying alone in the dark at night after the divorce. He was absolutely shattered to lose his family a second time around.

Unfortunately, my dad’s new wife was not yet a mom when she instantly inherited a family with 2 girls (me 10-years-old and my sister 2-years-old) and this caused terrible jealousy. It almost felt like it became survival of the fittest for our stepmom, which intensified hugely after she had her own 2 kids with my dad. For all of our lives, my sister and I have been reminded through actions that we were not her kids. It was worse for me though because at least my sister, Mel, was my dad’s biological child and she was only 2-years-old when my stepmom entered the picture so that is all Mel has ever known – she doesn’t even remember life without our stepmom – and they developed their own little bond. Unfortunately, even to this day, myself; my children and my grandchildren are not treated equally because we are not Ralph’s biological offspring. In fact, there are certain members of that family that did not and still do not acknowledge me or my family as Ralph’s child; grandchildren and even great-grandchildren.

When I was around 10-years-old my stepmom pulled me aside and advised me to find my biological father because “Ralph is not actually your real father and you can get to know each other”. I think this was the final blow for me as a child at the time because it kind of validated my feelings of not being a part of my dad’s new family and not belonging there. Whenever we met new people / friends / family / work colleagues, my sister was introduced as “this is Ralph’s eldest daughter” and I was introduced as ‘the adopted one’. When our new younger siblings did their family trees for school, I was listed as the ‘adopted sister’. When we found out that we qualified for paternal visas for the UK from my dad’s side, I was told by my step-mother that “it doesn’t apply to you because you’re not Ralph’s biological child and it applies to paternal grandparents’ children only”. Homework wasn’t done. Research wasn’t done and the swift action of a tongue devastated me yet again.

Not only was I a 10-year-old kid dealing with the rejection from my biological father; the absolute terrorising fear of losing my new father; my parents’ divorce; my sexual abuse, but I was also trying to handle the rejection from my stepmother and her family…who I felt have always placed huge expectations on me and have never fully accepted me.

So, what did I do? In search of looking for a place to belong and be loved, I looked for my biological father and met him when I was 12-years-old. We connected and, through trying to build some form of a relationship, he took me away with his family on holiday. By this stage he was remarried himself and had a little 2-year-old-daughter. I’ll give you one guess what happened…once again I was forced to deal with a jealous 30-something-year-old wife and mother, AND he did the exact same thing my dad had done…pulled me aside, apologised for his wife’s possessive behaviour and asked that I (the child) please have patience with his jealous wife. History had repeated itself and again I felt unloved, unwanted and I knew that I did not belong with this man that had given me away and his family. My dad (Ralph) was absolutely distraught when I contacted my biological father. He was so hurt by my actions because he had been there to pick up the pieces of a small little 3 & 4-year-old me that had been rejected by her father and he asked me why he was not enough for me as a dad. What was I supposed to say? He knew what his wife had done and how she felt about me? I had spoken to him. Nothing had changed. So, I kept my mouth shut because I didn’t want to hurt my daddy anymore.

My sense of not belonging just grew and grew until it became an ocean that drove me away. Literally! The 1st opportunity I got – at the very young and tender age of 14-years-old – I left home and went to live with a foster family 600 km’s away. I left where I knew I did not belong, and I found a place of unconditional love and support where I was shown that I do belong. Never was I referred to as the ‘fostered one’. I was just their daughter. Simple. Easy. Loving.

From a broken heart to pure Joy.

There’s a lot of life lessons that I learnt through my adoption and foster-care experiences. I grew; applied and finally as an adult I managed to have a beautiful decade with my dad where I knew he was mine; I was his and I belonged. In fact, I came to realise that our Divine Beloved does not ever make mistakes because I was blessed with the absolute BEST dad a girl could ever hope for! This epiphany came with the births of my own children and the death of my mom. I also learnt a lot from my stepmom – both in terms of being a great mom to my own kids and really embracing my own step kids that I would inherit later in life. I have also grown to love and accept my step-mother as a mom through the example my dad lived and I have forgiven her long ago for her ‘human-ess’ – even if she doesn’t love and accept me and mine as her own. My daddy was a shining example to me of unconditional love. He taught me how to love…genuinely love…and I am forever grateful to have been blessed with him in my life and have him as my dad. As a result, I bear zero grudges in life and I choose to see my experiences as blessons (blessings with lessons). No matter how badly I behaved, he stood by me and never, ever threw me away. He didn’t once even threaten too and – as far as I am concerned – he could have when my mom divorced him. The greatest gift I got from my dad was his example of how to love.

Today, I have close and loving relationships with my son and daughter-in-law. I see them as my own. I never birthed them, but they are my spiritual children brought to me on purpose to love and accept. They are mine; I am theirs and we all belong together. In the past, I had the same relationship with my stepchildren when they allowed it and even though I only physically birthed 3 kids, when asked, I would say I have 7. I wanted them to feel like they belong and never feel like I did as that small kid who did not fit in anywhere and so I never referred to them as my stepchildren. I just loved them. Just like my dad taught me through the loving path he walked daily.

My humble advice for dealing with adoption or any non-blood ties and the lesson I learnt is simply this:

Please do not refer to the adopted child as the adopted one…it is the NUMBER ONE rule in adoption. And the same goes for foster-care, in-law family and stepfamilies. Do not assume to know what is going on with someone else, as in my case, my parents had no idea what I was dealing with or how I felt. Our tongues can be vicious weapons that can build or destroy innocent children’s souls and we need to realise and understand this. We are responsible for shaping the children around us through our words and actions. BE A SHINNING AND LOVING EXAMPLE! Regardless of the hard time a child is giving you, they are still a child in need of love, support, protection and validation. Understand that unruly behaviour means something is not right, rather dig deeper and find the root cause of the problem and then become your kids’ safe place.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, I am grateful for these experiences because they have shaped me into an amazing person today!

So, finally, how do we deal with childhood trauma and put it behind us?

Here are techniques that I use and that I would love to share with you. Every single being is simply looking for validation and that includes you and your inner child. Almost 100% of our hurts and problems stem from childhood trauma so what I like to do is just love the little me that was hurt so badly. I picture myself at around the age of my pain…I have a memory of myself at a certain time, wearing certain clothes and I can even see the haircut I’m sporting…and all I do in my mind’s eye is sit down in front of her, pull her onto my lap, wrap my arms around her and I just love her. Then, I tell her that everything is going to be okay because sometimes that is all we need to hear. I feel the love for her in my heart as I close my eyes and breathe her in. Another one I do to calm my inner child is to vision her lying on a bed beside me (spooning) and as I whisper love into her ear, I stroke her hair and I tell her that she is safe. That I will always protect her and that she grows up and turns out just fine. That she is loved and will always be loved for just being her. You need to become your own hero, healer and learn to love, approve of and accept all of yourself. In this way, you will make yourself happy and there will be no need to look to anybody else externally for validation.

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Yours in Kindness,